Looking at the upside of The End Times

And I saw the beast, the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against Him who sat on the horse and against His army. Then the beast was captured, and with him the false prophet who worked signs in his presence, by which he deceived those who received the mark of the beast and those who worshiped his image. These two were cast alive into the lake of fire burning with brimstone.  And the rest were killed with the sword which proceeded from the mouth of Him who sat on the horse. And all the birds were filled with their flesh. — The Revelation of St. John The Divine, Chapter 19

“There’s something you don’t see every day.” — Bullwinkle

NOW THAT WE KNOW DEFINITIVELY  that the Rapture will absolutely and positively without a doubt occur on Saturday, you have to figure this can’t be good for the environment. Or could it?

After careful study of the great theologians, environmental scientists and bartenders of our day, I’ve come up with a list of Rapture pros and cons.

Pro: These raptures seem to involve lakes of fire and flaming rivers. In other words, a hydro-geo-thermal energy-palooza!

Con: They also involve seas of blood, which can get messy and attract flies. Plus it’s hard to swim in a lake of fire, but at least beachfront property would be cheap.

Pro: A big-ass bottomless pit is supposed to open up after the fifth trumpet sounds. Overcrowded landfill problem solved!

Con: Locusts and scorpions = pest control nightmare.

Pro: For every person who gets sucked into heaven, we reduce energy consumption by about 8,000 TOE (Tonnes of Oil Equivalent) a year — if they’re from the industrialized West. If they’re from the Third World, it might only be a thousand TOE each, but either way it’s a win.

Con: All those bodies flying through the air will wreak havoc on air-traffic control. And if they happen to be driving at the time, it’ll leave God knows how many engines idling and spewing carbon monoxide and other crap into the air.

Pro: Props to the Four Horsemen for using alternative transportation.

Con: Methane from horse farts is a greenhouse gas.

Pro: Fewer people = less agricultural consumption, easing food shortages.

Con: If  all our farmers get raptured, the organic movement is screwed.

Pro: Earthquakes and meteors could wipe out Utah, the Arizona Legislature and the set of Dancing With The Stars. Not really an environmental issue, but a bonus nonetheless.

Con: With all that sulfur, brimstone and wormwood, there’ll be hell to pay with the EPA.

Pro: If your mom gets raptured you can finally get a puppy.

Con: Every Starbucks bulletin board will be so filled  with found pet ads that there won’t be room for you to promote your blog.

Pro: Screams From Souls of the Damned would make a really cool band name.

Con: It might be hard to sleep with all that racket.

— John D’Anna